If I had a dollar

If I had a dollar for every time someone said to me “You should write a book, about your life” I would be a very wealthy woman.

So one day I decided it was time to write my book Soft Underbelly and money was not my motivator, the need to expel the past was what kept me at my keyboard.

It is with not a small amount of envy I listen to friends recant tales of their almost magical childhoods.  Sadly there is very little of mine that is not tinged with pain and longing for the sort of childhood I wished for.

As a child I escaped into the world of fantasy in an attempt to flee my reality.  A popular television show at the time was The Brady Bunch and how I envied their lives.  Of course I never really made the connection that it was completely fictional, instead I coveted the lives of Marcia and even the lesser perfect Jan.

Many would say I was a compulsive liar, the fanciful stories I would make up about my life.  This served to only compound the destructive self talk that had begun since I was very small.  This self talk had me believing that I was inherently bad, a liar and unlovable.

If i could go back in time and talk to me as a little girl I would tell me that I was lovable.  That my stories were not lies but rather deep down wishes for a better, a happier and a more stable childhood.  That it was natural and right to crave love and affection from my Mother.

I now realise that I was not a bad kid, just a kid in a bad situation.